Saturday, May 06, 2006

oh my gosh. thats all i can describe todays cell. its was an experience i m not gonna forget for quite some time.

over the last 2 months, i was like losing passion, getting stressed, burdened, conforming back to my old self. i was like at a point where i was neither here nor there, wasnt living exactly like my old man but wasnt up to being the new man either. often i got like a one two day refreshment. den bleh. i m back to myself again. swore much more. lost my temper much much more. thoughts of backsliding came knocking each day. den did some stuff gravely wrong. that was my story.

this morning i woke up. this statement just popped through my head. sian la. dun feel like going cell today. i was like quite depressed, pek chek too. but i still dragged myself through the day. dad got me a new phone. kinda cheered me up. but still pek chek. depressed. left for cell. there was this thing inside of me that kept telling me to turn back. but thank God i didnt. met shu hui in the bus so at least had someone to talk to. told me alot about life in acjc. yup. haha. den the devil used that and screwed with my brain all the way till cell started.

so i got there, cell started, i was really glum man. should have seen me. faked a smile here and there, den ppl luffed i just sat there. playing the game just to afford the forfeit. singing the song so no one would sense something was wrong. den worship was kinda different. like John was beside me and even thou i cant remember but certain words he uttered but they really made me feel much better and at long last i started to lift my voice to Him.

so there i was worshiping and i started to tear man. haha. so i was thinking in my head. oh wells. at least let some of it out and maybe i wont feel so kek. in my mind i was thinking, after cell, i shall just make a quick exit and go home and sulk. but it all changed. to be honest, i wasnt really listening to the word, just nodding in agreement. but den there was this point where sis yating started talking bout how u can put God first in ur finances. den i was like in my head, i got a 30 buck borders voucher and new phone, but i m still not happy, wad bout emotional. to my utmost surpise, the second that tot passed, sis yating started speaking bout emotions. i was like oh my gosh. oh my gosh. still. not much change la. but after the word, we started worshiping again, den i was like ok la, more into it, den sis yating was saying, let God on the throne, not that person, not that thing, not that problem. so i just started to sing in tongues, just telling God to liberate me. so sis yating went around praying, i just felt she stopped for a longer time with me, and she prayed 'remove all the lies of the devil, remove all the burden, remove all that stress, renew, renew.' she said more la but that was all i could remember. and she went away. it really made me feel so touched. like for weeks, i felt no one understood, no one really cared, that i couldnt meet up to expectations, that i starting to regret coming to pjc, to ask myself if it was the right choice, asking God wad bout that person. den i realized, someone cared, someone knew, i had been such a nut, such a brat, totally forgot bout God and hu He was, and He still cared, and He stil was there. And i dont know but i just started to cry and sob uncontrollably, immediately, this warmth totally consumed me like some fire, i perspired till my entire back was wet, den i shook abit, cried somemore, i heard this voice that said 'i will renew you.' and by the time worship was over. the burden, the problem was gone. i finally felt a part of me that had been missing for so long. amen.

i left cell early but at least i was happy. just wanted some time to myself to reflect on it all. God spoke to me this day. He told me 'Everything i have is for a purpose, is for a greater good. I love you. I will never mean anything for you to suffer, if nothing was meant for your good, i would stop ur breathing and take you to heaven right now.' and oh my gosh man. and about you. God told me today. 'let go'. i believe that wadever change comes in this cell, its for the better, i believe wads meant to be will be, and even if we force it now, its only gonna end up hurting both of us. so dun hate me for this ya. i have faith that ur right for me but not right now. heh. so now we r friends right? start over? my name is nicholas, wads urs?

praise the Lord!

|cowpoo| 6:22 PM|

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